Boogerlicious (*)

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I've been sick with a cold for the past few days and it has (more than anything) made me realize that I really hate my nose. Line up any number of girls and they'll probably rant about how they think their particular body part looks ugly. No. Not me.

First of all, I'm not a girl.

Second of all, I don't pick my nose (pun intended) simply because I think it looks ugly. Actually it IS...but that's a whole entire issue on its own. Rather, I hate my nose because I think that functionally, the design really blows. (Pun not intended until I just realized it could be used as a pun). Actually, I think my nose is fine for the most part. Heck, I don't pay it much attention for most of the time. It's only when I get a cold that I really wish my nose didn't have such a faulty design.

*sigh*

Ok. Here's the problem. My nose is one of those small pug-ish kind of noses. Which means you can see my nostrils. Bang. Like right up there. Ok...so it's all fine and you don't really care. But when I get all congested and snotty from a cold, you can see that too. Yuck. And that's when you DO care. Because, who wants to see that? You're minding your own business. You pay your taxes. You recycle. You're a good citizen. The last thing you need to see is my boogers. I UNDERSTAND you don't want that, and frankly, neither do I.

Which means I'm blowing my nose all the time to make sure the torpedo tubes are free and clear. But you can never be sure when you've got all the chunks. I mean you think you've got it all...but you can never be sure (unless you wanna run into the bathroom every few minutes and check in the mirror...yah remember? we guys don't carry around personal mirrors like you ladies). For all I know, I could have a dingle ball up there that everyone can see and knows about it, except me. Believe me...dingle balls work wonders in wooing the women.

*shakes head* No Johnny. They don't.

If only my nose was more downward shaped...then you'd never see my nostrils as clearly! Heck, it wouldn't be as bad if friends would just tell you when you have a dingle ball--but they never do. Plus the polite people just look away. Those bums.

*shakes fist*

I guess it's because we don't know what to say. At least when your zipper is open, we have casual phrases like "your barn door is open" to hint the person to check themselves. What do people say when they see a visible booger bogey up a person's nose?

See?

We don't have anything to say. Which is why I have come up with a five short ones...just in time for the upcoming cold season. So, here they are:

5. I guess it must be pretty dark up your nose at night, cuz I can see they made a few candles for the night.
4. *point to nose* Looks like SOMEONE got left behind on the field trip...
3. The church bells are ringing, but I think the choir has already left for home.
2. The squirrels are storing their nuts up for the winter, eh?
1. Hey bud, looks like your nose hairs are playing soccer again.

So there. Now you know what to say, next time you see bogey boogers.

*blows nose*

I hate colds.

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(*) "Boogerlicious" is a term that Mary the Magic Poo Fairy would use. Term used here without permission.

Posted by Dave at October 31, 2002 11:45 PM