Toilet humour, unisex bathrooms and other pleasantries...

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Ha! Every time Winnie writes about toilets and bathrooms, I just have to laugh. hahahaha. Gawd. LOL. *wipes tear from eye*

I dunno, there's something about toilet humour and pleasantries that makes me giggle. It seems strange to laugh at something that we ALL do, but I guess it's because bathrooms/washooms/toilets are a taboo subject that we never talk about in everyday conversation. Well not *normal* everyday conversation, a la: "Hey George, did you have a fun time in there?" "Why yes, I did! Thank you for asking! I had a wonderful time rummaging through your medicine cabinets!"

Bathroom culture, washrooms and all things related are avoided in everyday conversation--so when someone else talks about that, it reminds us: "Oh right! You take a crap too--just like me! Hah! I almost forgot." This momentary connection reminds us that we're all human...and I think that's what makes me laugh.

Keep in mind; the average person spends the equivalent of seven years in the bathroom. That's a lot of personal porcelain time...

While we're on the subject, I think I should talk about my most interesting bathroom experience--namely the first time I used a unisex. Incidentally a time I nearly lost control of myself...and not in a good way.

This was back when I was in Korea, two years ago. I was at some bar in Kangnam, Seoul, having drinks with a friend of mine. Whenever I'm chatting with friends, I always have a tendency to drink A LOT of water, esp. with my alcoholic drinks. So by the end of the evening, when nature calls, I really have to go pee. Anyway, I think I was on my fifth glass of water, when I politely excused myself and asked the waitress where the washroom was. She pointed to a set of doors down the hall.

I opened the door and saw a girl fixing her make-up at the mirror. Being a naive little Westerner, I was not expecting a unisex at all. (Apparently, due to lack and value of space, unisex washrooms are quite common in Korea). But of course, I didn't know this at the time. Having drunk some alcohol...I wasn't sure if I was hallucinating or if I was so tipsy that I walked into the wrong bathroom. Shocked, I immediately bowed and mumbled "mee-hahn-hey-yo" (trans. in English: I'm sorry!) and closed the door. I looked skywards, and cursed to myself: "GOTTA lay off the alcohol!"

I walked around looking for a second door but I couldn't find another door. This was the only door. *scratch head* Puzzled, I walked back to the bar and asked the waitress for directions to the washroom again. Again, she pointed to the same set of doors down the hall. HUH? *double scratch* A couple minutes had passed, as I was searching up and down the hallway for another "hidden" bathroom.

Meanwhile, my brain was starting to give me warning signals: "Core reactor at maximum capacity!!! I don't know how much water she's gonna hold Captain!!! If we don't drain the tanks NOW, it's going to blow soon!"

I only had a few shots with my friend, so there was no way I was THAT drunk. I reasoned to myself: "Perhaps, the girl was so drunk she had walked into the wrong bathroom!"

Yeah that must be it.

I walked into the washroom with new confidence. This time, I strode right in. The girl was still there calmly re-applying lipstick. A sexy girl I might add. Dressed in a tight black cocktail dress too. Nice legs. Hmm...

My brain started to scream obscenities and rudely interrupted my thoughts: "Forget about the damn girl! Core reactor meltdown in less than two minutes!!! Abandon ship! In an orderly fashion! Women and children first!!!"

The girl bent forward and turned on the faucet. The running water reminded me of how badly I needed to go. Then my eyes caught the urinal beside the sink. The urinal BESIDE the girl. Ah-ha! So this IS the men's washroom!!!

Then I noticed the feet underneath the stall at the end of the room. Feminine feet. In unmistakably, feminine pumps. It slowly dawned on me that this was a unisex. I shook my head and looked up and cursed to myself: "Only in Asia...and on Ally Mcbeal."

My brain interrupted with another urgent warning: "AHHHHH!!!! Captain! The tanks are gonna blow in less than a minute!!! Forget about the women and children first! It's everyone for themselves! Save yourselves, while you still can!!!!"

Call me conservative, but there is something very awkward about unzipping and peeing in front of a complete stranger of the opposite sex. Heh. Besides, there was no privacy between the urinal and the sinks--not even a small barrier! Ack! If I wanted to pee, I would have to literally stand RIGHT beside the girl. I decided that even if I had to go badly, I couldn't do it. So I tried to wait for her to leave. I gave her a weak/embarrassed smile as I checked myself in the mirror. Gawd!!!. She was still washing her hands. The running water! I was going insane...

I was trying my best to retain my composure, as I brushed my hair with my fingers. My fingers were trembling slightly.

I was losing control. Badly. My brows were furrowed in utter concentration, as I tried to retain control. I tried to think of images of shutting/closing water valves and knobs--you know, just like in all those submarine movies. To the rear of the ship, men!

But, try as I might, all I could imagine was depth charges, bursting water pipes, breached hulls, sinking submarines and uncontrollable valves wildly opening by themselves. I tried sending psychic messages to the girl: "LEAVE NOW!!! And for the love of God!!! Stop washing your hands!!!"

She slowly and carefully dried her hands on paper towels. I was dying. Literally. My brain made his last call to me: "I always knew we would probably die together--but not in this way! It was good serving under you Captain! I love you man!" The countdown was running down. 10. 9. 8. 7...

But, just like a deus ex machina ending, I heard a flushing noise and saw the door, to the stall at the end of the room, open. I could have been imagining things, but I think I heard heavenly music start to play as angels began to sing: "Hallelujah!" The woman inside stepped out and she nodded to her friend (the one who was washing her hands all this time). They walked out of the washroom together.

Women and their washroom support groups. Grrr...

If I thought I could run, I would have. Instead, I duck-walked to the urinal as fast as I could.

*Sigh* I think I almost saw my creator, that time.

Hmm...this reminds me of my older entry. This may sound hypocritical...but seriously, if I made it through that, I don't see how the guy could have pee-ed all over the floor.

And while we're on the topic of bathrooms, go take a look at Ryan Tong's webpage. He has a poll about how you roll your toilet paper: A) over the top or B) under the bottom. Well, of course it should be over the top! That way, the paper doesn't keep rolling down towards the floor! Like, duh! :)

LOL.

Posted by Dave at November 16, 2001 04:19 PM