Wanna flip me a quarter?

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Well, I recently got an e-mail from my web host that essentially said this:

"Dearest Dave. You owe us money. Pay up, before we send Guido to break your legs. You got 30 days to come up with the money. Love, Your friendly web host. XOXOXO P.S. Thanks for choosing us."

Hey no problems I say! I'll just charge it to my student VISA! I look at my VISA statement.

Aiyah. Aigu.

A few thoughts roll into my mind: Did I suddenly acquire a spendy girlfriend in the past 30 days? How in the world did I spend all this kind of money? Has my body taken up a cocaine habit that my brain is currently not aware of? Am I now feeding a third-world nation?

Jeesh. All I can say is that I am deep in debt. I guess it all started when I bought that jacket for myself during Christmas (cha-ching). Note to self: "Just because something is on sale doesn't mean it is cheap. IE: $600 @ 50% off is still $300. Remember this is STILL a pricey purchase." Then came the purchase of my new glasses. My eyesight has gotten worse, so I just wanted a new pair, but the opto mentioned:

"Umm. Davie-boy, with your bad eyesight you need to use high-index glasses! I would recommend Nikon 4's which are one of the finest quality optics in the world. By the way, here's something funny! Did you know that with the shape of your eye, you run a high risk of having your eye detaching itself from the retina? Well isn't that hilarious? Well, when that happens, you'll know. Give me a call then, ok? Tootles! Luv-yah! mu-ah!"

Ummmm. OK. So I phone around asking "how much are Nikon 4's? I brace for impact, knowing how my "amateur/consumer" Nikon camera lenses cost me $600. (By the way, Nikon has this great lens I've been eyeing for awhile. It ONLY costs $1500 US! What an absolute bargain! But...I digress) Well...you have no need to phone around. It's affirmative. Nikon 4's costs "mucho deniro". About as much as his brother, Robert. (cha-ching). With my prescription in hand, I went with my cousin and his wife to go look at some frames. Knowing my cousin's taste in Giorgio Armani suits and Rolex watches...I knew this would be bad news. But I went along nonetheless. They're like:

"Day-beet! You gotta get these new frames! They're specially imported from New York! They look great on you!"

ANYTHING "imported" from New York is definately way above my pay scale. Check that. Anything that requires the word "imported" is most likely above my pay scale. Besides....looks "great" is really a relative term. Of course I can't tell how "great" these glasses look, because in order to try on these frames, I have to take off my glasses which prevents me from seeing what these frames look like. A classic catch-22. "The girls will go wild! Buy it! Buy it! Buy it!," encourages my cousin. Uh. Sure. Ok...ummm how much do these "babe-magnet" glasses cost?

Ugh.

It costs a lot. (cha-ching) Note to self: "Remember, no matter what you wear to cover your face...when you're this ugly, everything is a lost cause. Next time...don't bother." By the way, I still haven't received my glasses yet as a new set of frames needs to be parachuted in from New York, and the Nikons need to be airlifted in from Montreal. Sigh.

Well, after that purchase came my recent splurge on "professional" film for my photography habit. (cha-ching) A mini course in advanced photography that I signed up for (cha-ching) Premium Gas...as my car manufacturer requires it. (cha-ching). Dinner out with friends (cha-ching). CDs (cha-ching). Sending in my overheating laptop for repairs and paying for the estimate charge even though those crazy bastards couldn't find anything wrong with my laptop. (cha-ching). Misc expenses. (cha-ching). Sigh. Heck! I never knew you could go THAT high on a student VISA. I suppose I should spend more time at work...I guess the boss will be happy to hear about this. For once in my life, I'm actually GLAD that I don't have a significant other that I need to spend money on...Of course, if she was fabulously rich, and I was her playtoy, that would be another story....

Well, I know somewhere in the America, in the towers of VISA those credit gremlins are laughing at me and my spending habits...So in defiance, I have come up with 5 EFFECTIVE ways for a student to save money. You know that book: Habits of Highly Effective People? How about Habits of Highly Cheap People? Do I hear a book deal?:

1. Forget driving. Forget paying for the bus. Walk. (I would say bike, but for some that would require buying a bike...definately a no-no. Walking does require shoes, but I assume you have at least a pair of these.) I would say hitch-hike if you can...but since I can't condone illegal activities, I'm not recommending it.
2. Forget sleeping. With all that walking ahead of you...who has time to sleep? Start walking to school at 4AM.
3. Forget eating. Air is for free. Water is for free. So is grass. You do the math. Grass is an excellent source of fiber, btw. No need for diets and gym memberships. You'll be surprised how fast those pounds just shed off.
4. Attend group support sessions like in "Fight Club". A lot of them give out free donuts and coffee. Hmmmmm.....donut... I've been told that sneaking into other people's wedding receptions are also a good bet.
5. Cancel your cable subscription. Watch your TV at Circuit City, Future Shop, The Brick, Wall Mart, The Sony Store or any other store where they sell TVs. When you get kicked out from the store, move on to another location. (See direction #1) Some of these places have comfortable armchairs that you can sit in too. Just do your research people! I particularly recommend my local Sony Store, as they have a huge 61" rear projection TV that is so beautiful...its just criminal baby!

Well that's enough writing for today. Good luck and good night!

Posted by Dave at January 30, 2001 03:52 PM