davidchun.com: Godzilla vs. David Chun

October 22, 2001

Godzilla vs. David Chun

Sorry, but this will be my last long update for awhile. I've got more serious work to do, and more important people to write to (namely term papers for my profs, and personal statements for my applications). Well at least for the next few weeks... Hope you enjoy this entry.

*Groan* We watched "Godzilla" (the 1956 b/w version) in our Japanese history class today. The prof wants us to write a one page commentary about the anti-war/nuke sentiment in the movie. What is this? Film critiques? Isn't this the kinda stuff we used do in 8th grade?!?! This is a upper division university history course for crying out loud! And only one page? WTF? Pul-leez!

Have you ever watched "Godzilla"? And no...I'm not talking about the dumb summer of 1998 remake, toting the equally asinine tagline: "Size Matters". I'm talking about the 1954 or 1956 black and white version. Well, if you haven't, don't worry. You're not missing much. But just in case you are, I've decided to give you a look at the notes I took while watching the movie today. Written in the The Editing Room style...

And if you don't find this entry funny...you should probably go read a few scripts at The Editing Room. Either that, or blame it on the hemp bread I had for lunch today.

FADE IN:

EXT. TOKYO, JAPAN, IN RUINS. CIRCA 1950's - DAY

RAYMOND BURR (trying his best to give an OSCAR (Meyer) performance)

Hi. My name is Raymond Burr. You may know me from such films as "Desperate" and "Please Murder Me" or my roles in "Perry Mason". I'm going to be the narrator in this movie. Thank your stars that I'm not as annoying as Matthew Broderick. Have you noticed Tokyo is in ruins? Hmmm. What could have caused this to happen to Tokyo?

The rest of the movie is one BIG FLASHBACK SEQUENCE

EXT. TOKYO, JAPAN, NOT IN RUINS (YET). CIRCA 1950's - DAY

GODZILLA

Hi. My name is Godzilla. You may know me from such films as "Bambi Meets Godzilla" and "Godzilla Versus Disco Lando". I'm going to be your super scary monster in this movie. I'm an evil monster! What do you think I represent?

Godzilla proceeds to BLOW STUFF UP in the typical SUPER SCARY MONSTER fashion. Tokyo now looks WORSE than MY ROOM.

SOME JAPANESE ARMY GUY

We must kill this evil and all that it represents! What has this world come to?!?! This Godzilla must have been created by US atomic bomb testing! It must be destroyed!

GODZILLA
(stomping all over Tokyo)

Yeah I know...*calmly smoking cigarette* So like, what is a pretty sea monster like me to do? Well, I suppose I could go shopping!!! Check out my swank new Prada boots!

The army and navy try to KILL Godzilla with a 300,000 megavolt electrical fence, motor shells, bazookas, tanks and machine guns. It DOESN'T work.

GODZILLA
(laughing)

Heehee. That tickles!

SOME JAPANESE ARMY GUY

Darn. That didn't work. We need bigger guns or something. Pokemon! Sailor Moon! Dragonball Z? Please help us! Personally I think Sailor Mars is hot...I really hope she comes and saves us!!! SAVE US!

TOKEN WOMAN IN 1950s FILM

Yes I am the token women in this 1956 movie. I don't do much but act all scared and stuff. Anyhoo, my boyfriend has created a super-oxygen bomb that can be used to kill Godzilla! It also prevents tartar build-up and leaves your pearly whites sparkling!

HER WUSSY BOYFRIEND

No my super-oxygen bomb should never be put to use. What would happen if it got in the wrong hands? *looks straight at camera* Yes what would happen if a super bomb was developed by some country and then used? Like I dunno...on two cities like Hiroshima or Nagasaki? Besides I don't believe in dental hygiene. Wow this is an anti-war movie on SO many levels! I'm so moved, I must sit down.

AUDIENCE

Ok, ok we get the picture. Nukes bad. America used it. Oops. Now, can we get on with the story please? We would like either you or Raymond Burr to die by the end of the film. Preferably both.

GODZILLA
(continuing the rampage on Tokyo)

Ummm...I'm getting a little bored here. ~yawnz~ So you gonna use this super-oxygen bomb or what? *To director* So do you want me to continue stomping around and stuff? *To SOME JAPANESE ARMY GUY* Let me piss you off even more by stomping on Tokyo. Wheeeeee!!!

WUSSY BOYFRIEND

Fine. I have changed my mind. No monster gets to destroy Tokyo in Prada boots! We shall use the terrible super-oxygen bomb. But I will burn my research and kill myself after I plant this bomb so that no one else can use or develop the super-oxygen bomb, ever again!

GODZILLA

MOO! Errr... I mean: ~GROWLZ~ Why are all you guys acting all mean and stuff? All I ever wanted to do was get on a Royal Rumble with King Kong...

ALL OF JAPAN
(in unison)

Hurray! Maybe WUSSY BOYFRIEND isn't a wuss, after all! Go man go!

YOURS TRULY

I've watched enough. I wonder if I can sneak out of class now. I think I'm going to be sick...

1950's AUDIENCE
(crying)

Dude! This movie is so scary, I think I wet myself! Ack! Mommy!

21st CENTURY AUDIENCE
(laughing)

Dude! This movie is so funny, I think I've wet myself laughing! Ack!

Super oxygen bomb is USED. Godzilla is KILLED. Wussy boyfriend KILLS himself and DIES. Our class STANDS UP and CHEERS.

AUDIENCE
(cheering)

Yay! Wussy boy kicks the bucket!

ALL OF JAPAN
(cheering)

Hurray! Godzilla is dead! But wait a minute...we could only destroy the evil Godzilla with a stronger bomb. So perhaps this really isn't a anti-war/nuke movie, but is teaching that we should build bigger and better bombs! D'oh! We have a real conundrum here. Well at least Godzilla is dead...

MOVIE PRODUCER/CEO

Nope. Godzilla isn't dead! He's going to return in countless cheesy remakes! We will all have to re-live through this crap over and over again. And you'll be paying me good money to see it! Muahahahaha! Now please make sure to pick up Godzilla memorabilia, which is now being sold in the lobby of the theatre.

1998 GODZILLA ORIGINAL SOUNDTRACK

Please buy me! Ugh! Even though the movies suck, I happen to feature music from *COUGH COUGH* great bands such as Green Day, Wallflowers, Foo Fighters, Rage Against the Machine, Jamiroquai and Puff Daddy. BUY ME YOU MINDLESS TEENAGED TWITS!!!

The class collectively VOMITS and LEAVES room.

THE END.

Posted by Dave at October 22, 2001 01:20 PM

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