Whine, whine, whine...

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I'm sorry, nothing really funny for the update today. I just need to whine/rant for a bit. So here goes...

(Well, just to keep you occupied while reading, see how many times I use the word "ugh" in this entry.)

<whine>
Ok. It's close to the end of my last semester...and I'm totally stressing out. You know that panicky feeling you get when you KNOW you're totally screwed? Where your stomach does a loopy-loop and you get a feeling that goes like this: "Oh crap-o-la! I don't think we're gonna make it through this one..."? Or you know, that feeling you get when you're about to ask a girl (WAY above your league/pay scale) and you KNOW you're about to get shot down? Like what-was-her-name in elementary school? You know. The cute one with a winning smile, you had the crush with since the fifth grade, and she was all popular and stuff and (oh-how-do-I-put-this-delicately) you SO weren't?

Yeah, well...I'm feeling that right about now. I know, I know. It sounds like I'm such a big WUSSY. Ugh. I hate sounding so whiney! I do realize there are bigger things out in the world to stress over, besides school. But, it's my pathetic small world. And I feel like a little boy. I just feel scared and worried about the uncertainty in my future.

Not about graduating per se. I know I'll pass my courses and all that nice fuzzy stuff. I'm worried about getting into clown school next year. I'm worried because...I don't know if I can get in. In which case, I might actually end up going to REAL clown school. No joke. Sigh. Well...if I don't get in, I guess I'll just find a job somewhere and maybe re-apply.

I need good final grades this term--but I've been letting everything slide to the last minute, so my grades aren't hot. To make up for it, I need to do well on my LSAT, which I'm re-taking in less than two weeks, but I haven't been preparing...so fat chance of me doing well. Either way, I'm so boned.

On top of that, I'm tired. I'm tired of having been at my school for the past four years. Mentally. Physically. Spiritually. I'm so tired. I just want to lay down and rest and not have to worry about stupid trivial things like papers, exams and marks. I was chatting with one of my profs yesterday, and she said: "Dave, sounds like you're burning out. Are you sure you want to go off and start law school next year?" Oh great. Thanks for the cheers and confidence booster!!! I would have felt better if she had lied and said: "Oh...all students feel like that near graduation. You're just going through a phase thing." But no. She had to say I was burning out.

I'm not burning out, am I?

Well, I have been finding it hard to motivate myself and carry myself through this term. I just had ZERO motivation to do anything--I'm letting everything slide to the last minute, and indulging in my games of solitaire a little too much. So basically, I've been on "cruise" for the past 12 weeks. Imagine my surprise, when my professor announced yesterday in class that we will have an in-class exam next Monday. Next Monday. Already? What?!?!?! We have an exam then? How come I didn't know this earlier? Hmm. Don't I have a term paper due then? Oh my! Why, YES, I do!

And THAT paper is for a fourth year political science course--a course on the political theory of the international political economy (IPE). Interesting/cutting edge material, but honestly but I feel so STUPID in that class. It feels like I was airlifted and dropped into a graduate seminar. Everyone else in the class is doing a major or honours in political science or economics and I'm the only stupid bloke in the class with a history major. I feel like I'm in way out of my league. So while everyone else is up to speed on the OECD, trade regimes, WTO trade rounds, US-Canada softwood lumber disputes, the MAI, MFN's clauses in trade treaties, the EU, embedded liberalism vs. liberalism, hegemonic stability theory, regime theory, etc (just to mention a few topics)...I'm just sitting in the corner of class, whimpering and crying. I feel sooooo stupid. Not like I'm not or anything...but usually I feel more confident about my classes and the courses I take. In this case? I barely have any clue on what's going on. I just feel stupider than usual. Gawd, even my English has taken a smoke from the pipe! Ugh. I actually wrote "stupider". It should be "more stupid". Ugh.

Oh, my paper topic? Well, I'm going to be writing my paper about Gramscian theory in terms of international relations (IR) and comparing that to realist hegemonic stability theory. I have a bad feeling feeling about this one--I haven't really started, and I have no idea how I'll argue/approach this one. You know, how sometimes you KNOW you can just waffle out a decent paper? Well, this time I KNOW I'm so boned, it's not even funny. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh!!!

Meanwhile, my social life has gone the way of the dodo. I can't remember, for the life of me, when was the last time I dated. Or even went out for a night-out with friends. Or even saw a movie... Argh. Blah, blah, blah. This entry is getting too long.

Sorry folks. Usually, I don't sound this despondent, but today I just feel like I need to whine. I sound like a loser--well, more than usual anyway. Ugh. Now I'm whining about actually whining! How whiney is that? Ugh. Someone shoot me!

But I admit...all that whining felt kinda good. Ok I'm going off to write my paper and study for my exam.
</whine>

On a somewhat related note...found a quote by Antonio Gramsci, about studying:

"Many people have to be persuaded that studying too is a job, and a very tiring one, with its own particular apprenticeship -- involving muscles and nerves as well as intellect. It is a process of adaptation, a habit acquired with effort, tedium and even suffering."

How true, how true...

Posted by Dave at November 20, 2001 07:09 PM