Spam, international bank fraud and other high jinks…

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Ok, ok, ok.. I admit it.

I'm an e-mail whore.

I just love receiving e-mails. Over the course of a single week, I easily get over a hundred e-mails...so you can see why I get antsy if I don't check my e-mail for several days. Of course a lot of the e-mails I do receive are of the useless spam variety...but it's still fun to receive nonetheless. Most of the spam ranges from: "How to Succeed in Business" to "Increase the Size of Your Penis, Guaranteed" and "Get Viagra -- 10823", etc. Yeah I hear you saying: "these ads aren't that useless for you, Dave..." Yeah, shut up. Give me a couple more years before I need to pay attention to those Viagra ads, thank you very much.

Possibly my future collection of cars? Read on to find out how... Photo copyright by http://www.kimble.org/

Most of the business venture e-mails usually start like this: "Look, we don't want you to waste your time, or ours..." When the first spams were written like this, I thought it was a clever piece of advertising writing. But now, everyone is using this line to start their e-mails. It's just old and stale. It seems like they're using the same form to write their e-mails. Can't they be more creative? Sigh.

Anyway I usually end up speed-deleting through most of the spam, until I see something of interest (like e-mails from friends, etc.). However, lately I have been getting personalized spam with tricky subject headings that get me to stop deleting, like: "Hi Dave--Big Business Opportunity Invest Now", "Dear Mr. Chun..."; The fact that these faceless vendors are now taking the extra time to place my name in the actual e-mail is heartwarming. I guess it's the thought that counts...

Anyway I did receive one personalized spam about a couple of months ago that was particularly intriguing. It was addressed from a district bank manager of an offshore bank (which will remain unnamed...). Anyway this bank manager claimed that he knew of an account at his bank that would expire soon, unless he transferred the money into a safe foreigner's account. Upon further research, the bank manager found that the original account holder had died nearly ten years ago. The original account holder has no next to kin, and due to the account's inactivity, the bank would expire the account in a short period. The amount unclaimed and left sitting in this account? A cool $26 million USD.

Perhaps my future villa in Monaco? Read on to find out how... Photo copyright by http://www.kimble.org/

The bank manager was proposing that we transfer the money into a bank account in Canada, under my name (unbeknownst to superior officials at said bank). I would have to impersonate as a long acquaintance/family of the aforementioned account holder. For my part in this felony, I would receive a cool $9 million USD. Hmmm...

Private parties with supermodels, and a private jet to fly us to remote tropical island? Tis possible...Photo copyright by http://www.kimble.org/

You know there is quite a lot I can do with $9 million dollars. US currency at that. At current exchange rates, that's almost $14 million Canadian. The bank manager agreed to handle all the paper work on his end and would fly out to Canada to split the money.

Late night binges at Monte Carlo? Tis possible....Photo copyright by http://www.kimble.org/

Hmmm.... $14 million dollars. At last, I will be able afford all the camera lenses I desire! Kewl! With that kind of money, I could buy a Ferrari for each day of the week, and a villa in Monaco, and perhaps a couple bags of marshmallows! Yummy! Heck I could buy myself a yacht and have parties with supermodels, just like multi-millionaire Kim Schimtz! Of course, if things get too hot for me, I could probably fly out of Canada and live in South America in a non-extradition safe-haven. Hmmm...

Tempting is all I can say... But on the other hand, there is something to be said about taking a dead man's money. Besides, as much as I am tempted by $14 million dollars, I don't think I am quite prepared to commit international bank fraud at the tender age of 21.

But, a boy can dream, can't he?

Sigh.

I deleted the e-mail and went out and bought a lottery ticket instead.

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Posted by Dave at March 11, 2001 11:11 PM